The Hollywood Holla November 2nd 2008

Mike James
2034 Argyle Ave. Apt. 303
Hollywood, CA 90068

The Hollywood Holla Issue #5

November The Second In The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Eight.

• The Great Journey: “Taste” from script to screen

• Notorious Hollywood PA: “Mike James Live” from Genghis Cohen in Hollywood “Chinese Food on time and with a smile!”

• Lark Vorhees answer my phone calls!!!

It’s not normal that the host of the show talks to the PA on set. It never really crossed my mind seeing as I have yet to experience anything anyone else would begin to consider “normal” since arriving in Los Angeles. I however have a way with people so I wasn’t surprised that the Emmy nominated host of “America’s Funniest Video’s” and “Dancing With the Stars” took an immediate liking to me.

It might have been how I delivered him coffee.

Grande coffee with two Splenda’s and low fat milk?

Yes, thank you Mike. Did you already add the milk?

Yes Tom, I went ahead and took care of that for you.

Well thank you.

I know just how much milk you like. Go ahead Tom Bergeron, try it.

(Tom tries his Starbucks coffee)

Umm. That’s good.

Oh, I know it is Tom Bergeron. I know it is.

I naturally like to inform absolutely everyone around me of any celebration, regardless if it’s worth celebrating or not, because I love to party. So, I told everyone with two ears when my birthday was coming up. I had to work on my birthday. We were on set shooting 1905 (which aired tonight ironically) and everyone wished me a happy birthday before I headed out on the town with some buddies.

It was a great birthday. But I would prefer to recall the events of my 23rd birthday in the same way that I recalled them to Tom Bergeron when he asked me how my birthday was the following Saturday.

I was sitting next to Jenni (the other AFV PA) on a chair behind the producers and writers off to the side of the stage. During the taping of the shows we really do not have anything to do what so ever but sit. It’s incredibly exciting (enter sarcastic look here) and demanding (enter dramatic wiping of my sweaty brow here).

The best part of being on set is making wise cracks with the writers and of course, watching the funny videos. But! Once in awhile Tom Bergeron will come around and talk to us pitiful PA’s. Like when he asked me how my birthday went.

I didn’t hesitate in telling him exactly how my birthday went down. Granted, it wasn’t exactly your typical birthday.

EDITORIAL NOTE:

(The following plays out exactly as it is written. This is a true story. This is not my normal exaggeration for comedic purposes.)
Tom Bergeron leans over his director’s chair looking down at the PA not paying attention, staring off sitting in the much smaller chair behind him.

So Mike how was your birthday?

Oh, it was great Tom! I went to a lesbian strip club.

What?!

Yea it was a great birthday. My buddies took me out for sushi, then to this lesbian strip club in Little Armenia, then we hit up a few bars in Hollywood before crashing out.

You have to tell me about this lesbian strip club.

Well Tom, I would love to tell you about the lesbian strip club.

The PA then leans forward to be able to tell the host about the lesbian strip club but the chair he is sitting on slips out from under him due to the slick concrete. The PA falls on his ass while telling Tom Bergeron about the lesbian strip club he went to on his birthday.

Producers, writers, concerned people on set rush to the aid of the PA.

I’m ok! I’m ok.

The PA rolls on the ground laughing histerically while others look on in amazement at what just happened.

Did anyone get that on video? Did anyone get what just happened

The PA said while attempting to gather himself and his pride. Tom Bergeron then wipes his eyes from the tears of laughter. The make-up artist rushes to fix it before he comments on the events.

I’m sorry you would not be eligible for the $100,000 grand prize if they were.
The PA slowly sits back into his unsteady chair with every set of eyes on set burning holes in his clumsy shell of a body.

Should I finish the story?

Yes! Yes! Finish the story if you can buckle yourself in. I want to hear the rest!

The PA goes on to tell Tom Bergeron about Jumbo’s Clown Room in Little Armenia, the lesbian strip club. The PA didn’t know it was a lesbian strip club. The PA didn’t know much about any strip clubs in LA. His buddies told him it was the best strip club in LA.

That’s why it’s funny.

I forgot to mention Courtney Love used to dance there. Eww.

I would go on and tell you about the rest of my birthday but it would pale in comparison to falling on your ass in front of an Emmy nominated television host while telling him you went to a lesbian strip club on your birthday.

How could you make this shit up?

I’ll take a left turn now and get serious. I finished the script. Wait…we finished the script. Herman and I.
It’s incredible. There are grammatical corrections, a few lines that need to be made funnier and a couple other places that need buffed out and then absolute completion. For now.

My Dad passed along the best advice I’ve yet to hear on how to write a compelling story. He said “writing a good narrative is easy. You just get a sharp object cut open a vein and let it all drain out on to the page.”

In the bull shit world of Hollywood never truer words have been said. I have literally drained my soul into this script. It’s the equivalent of me standing on the corner of Hollywood and Vine with a megaphone saying “Hello world! I am here!” over and over again.

As much as I would love to disclose so much about this story that is interwoven with the last year of my life so dramatically, I can not.

I would much prefer making you bastards pay $12 bucks a year from now to see it in theaters than attach my baby in an email. But since I know the growing anticipation for my epic I have attached a thrown-together movie poster I did this afternoon, to satisfy your taste.

I’m now moving on to the next phase of this journey, getting my script out there. We have a few people already anticipating it and a few we hope will welcome it with open arms. I have a carefully laid out a plan that is right on track. In fact I’m ahead of where I wanted to be when we set out.

This film is getting made.

On any of these streets from Argyle to Cahuenga, south of Melrose and west of La Brea, a story is waiting to be found. The civic lines that mark off the blocks that make up Tinsel Town do not keep outsiders out. The impenetrable force that makes up the great walls of Hollywood can yet be penetrated.

I read a news story from a UK news outlet, The Observer, recently. It stated that a pot recently excavated from a site in ancient Israel may give historical fact to the biblical story of David defeating Goliath.

As a journalist I rely on facts. The fact that David defeated Goliath was no surprise to me but it was an assurance.
The idea is overwhelming at first but after you put yourself in young King David’s shoes it’s not so bad. As a Road Man for the Lords of Karma I’ve found myself matched against much stronger, much faster, much smarter opponents than I many times. I have always been heavily armed though. Screw sling-shots. I have every intention of making a career out of fucking Goliath up.

With Love and Respect….
Your friend,

Mike James