The Wild Ones

"Believe in the Wild Ones" - A sticker on a sign right off the exit ramp for Tarzana.

My job (America's Funniest Videos) pretty much consists of getting coffee, getting lunches or dinner, random office work, taking contestants to and from the office and making runs. A solid 40 hour a week job that has paid the rent and not been entirely bad. I have learned a lot from working at this show since July. Mostly that being a PA sucks but much more profound knowledge than that. 

I could easily bitch, moan, complain, spout off, or any other cliched word for being a pussy but that would make me a pussy. As a highly respected and qualified Road Man for The Lords of Karma I could of never reached my position being a pussy. 

So I will try to share my views and beliefs after a year in LA trying to "make it" (God I hate using quotations in that context). 

A.) There are two methods so far that I have seen that one can take to go from roaches in the living room to MTV Cribs. 

1.) Working your ranks through the production route as a PA, then on to a stage manager, a line producer, 2nd AD, 1st AD and so on and so forth. This requires one to find a position where they either have the opportunity to get with a production company that has growth potential where you can rise up. Or, be taken under by a producer, writer, director anybody with pull that is willing to not just teach but also create a competitor. 

2)Be discovered by an outside source via: agent,manager, youtube, the boardwalk in Venice etc., etc. 

B.) Hollywood is a closed door town. 

1.) Anytime I have been on set and started talking to somebody from Vin Di Bona Productions or a crew member and was asked how I got the job, the reaction is always surprise when I tell them off of entertainmentcareers.com 

2.) You do not have to be intelligent. You do not have to be talented. You do not have to know somebody on the other side of that closed door. You just got to figure out how to get somebody on the other side to open it for you. 

C.) I can not be in an office 40 hours a week, in a cubicle, not using my brain and most importantly bored. 

1.) I am a wild one. Always have been and probably won't ever change. You aren't supposed to tell stories of lesbian strip clubs and getting kicked out of countries in the office. You are supposed to wear a collared shirt and speak quitely. When you show up in cut-off Dickies and go off yelling about creative ways to end the life of the parking officer that just wrote you a ticket, it's frowned upon. 

These are hard times but everyone has something to offer. Something to bring to the marketplace to be traded and sold. Mine is ridiculousness. That is what I bring to the table. 

With Love & Respect, 

your friend till the end, 

Mike James 

 

Very Sketchy

Last night I was jotting down a few ideas I had written in my cell phone on the memo pad. I don't have very good hand writing so this seems to be the best possible method to get down an idea I think to be funny.

Problem is I tend to let these ideas build up without developing them. When I finally get around to writing them I have completely lost the original idea. Last night though for some reason I liked the mix of randomness.

The following are just a few of the entries I had in my phone with no description behind them.

*A former conservative talk radio show host now turned mall piano player performs a Sinatra cover to a small crowd but drunkenly slurs words and mixes in politcal ideology.

(I think I might of actually witnessed this at the Westside Pavillion Mall in the Macy's next to cosmetics but it could have been a dream.)

*Good-time-jacking

(This terrified me when I saw I had this included but I was relived at the few notes I jotted down explaining it: def. stealing a good time from a complete stranger. example; dancing to music coming from a stranger's car, laughing at a inside joke between two people when you are clearly the third, intercepting a cheers by clanging your glass with a group of strangers while they do a toast you are not involved in)

*Extreme Masonic Home Bingo

(No idea. But just think about it and proceed to laugh hysterically.)

* The Terrorist & his Asshole Roomate

(A terrorist plan is thwarted by his inconsiderate roomate who is continually late on the rent and has a habit of peeing in the sink. I actually think this would make a great Michael Bay film if we just throw a chick in there and make it a love triangle.)

* Time Capsule Diaster

(For some reason millions of years after humans are wiped from the face of the planet a time capsule is found from the year 2009. Included is a copy of Maxim, a disc containing every TMZ entry from it's start, The complete series "Love Boat" on DVD and a Snuggie [you know that blanket/robe]. The aliens then decide to put on a play depicting what life was like millions of years ago on earth based upon the only existing knowledge of our species.)

Just a look into what is going on inside my head as I sit on the 405 for hours everyday.

Cheers!

Networking Shmetworking

http://www.linkedin.com/in/mikejames2012

This is the link to my linkedin public profile. Where I network with other profiles in hopes of getting connected to a bigger profile and increase my online presence and more hits and yadda yadda yadda yadda.

This social networking stuff is confusing. I've got all these key words and abbreviations and Internet jargon giving me a real pain in the mother board. New media is something I took an interest in immediately and could see that it was the future.

Helping with the convergence of Franklin College's TV show Inside Franklin and the newspaper, The Franklin into the online college news outlet was an incredible experience and an eye opening one.

http://www.thefranklinonline.com

Little did we know what we had been working on would soon become the standard in how media is delivered to the audience.

But now two years later the new media/social networking beast has become something foreign to even me.

When I got on to Twitter a while back one of my friend's asked me to describe what is was to them.

I thought for a moment and really had difficulty explaining. The best I could do was say that it's a lot like when I found my first Playboy at 6 yrs old. I had no idea what I was looking at but new it was something great.

I read blogs of other people that somehow have countless hours of time on their hands to master the networking power. My BA in journalism feels more and more inadequate with the ability for any schmuck to write out a 140 character news story and have thousands read it instantly.

Guess I'll join the race with everybody else but for some reason wished that important messages were still delivered on horseback. It forced the messages to be well composed and to the point. Because if you wrote a message like...

"Heather isn't even here. How weird? LMFAO!"

And some dude had to ride a pony day and night for three days to deliver that message. That pony express rider would most likely turn right around, ride back and punch that stupid bitch in the face.

This would surely over time increase the intelligence and communication ability of the human race. It's just a theory but let's bail on the computer and just get ponies.

BEWARE OF BEARS!

bears
33 up, 13 down
Hairy gay men. In September 2007 in Melkweg Amsterdam there was the first Mr FurBall Election. You could choose Mr Furball from the hairy candidates.
FurBall is the Amsterdam Hairy Men Dance Party ... for all kind of hairy and butch men. This party attracts Bears, musclebears, otters, cubs, (smooth) admirers and everybody who likes hairy men. Check out the famous bear band bearforce 1!
hairy gay musclebears bearforce unshaven by Kaptain E-Glow Oct 18, 2007 share this

- The definition of a Bear according to urbandictionary.com

San Francisco is a wonderful place. Great food, great beer and great music. All of these reasons were behind my recent trip to the city by the bay. Spring Break '09 might have come to a close but the hazy memories will stay with me forever.

As anyone who knows me knows, I am a huge fan of spring break and celebrate it religiously every year. I also enjoy writing about it because of the fact that Spring Break normally includes massive amounts of ridiculousness and tom foolery, my specialty.

...And you will know us by the Trail of the Dead played an incredible show at Slim's. Lots of energy. Good mix of old stuff and new stuff and the venue was really cool.

There was definitely a giddiness about our group after the show and naturally we ducked into the first bar that we came across. We did not investigate the said bar very close. If we would have maybe the name of the bar "Big Bear Paw Bar" would of been an indicator. Then again maybe I should of picked up on it when I asked the bar tender how he was doing and he replied by saying "super, thanks for asking".

The stained glass window of a bear in leather pants was the give away for me. Didn't take a detective to find out we stumbled into unknown territory and should probably carry on else where.

Our next stop was a whole in the wall down the street that had several pool tables and a well lit interior. It had to be a straight bar, we asked nonetheless.

Details from this point begin to become quite vague. At one point in the evening I was doing the jig with a guy that looked like the late great Ole Dirty Bastard and met Wayne Brady's look-a-like.

Seriously this guy looked exactly like Wayne Brady and if you just survived unknowingly walking into a gay bar occupied solely by big, hairy men then you would of been relieved to see a clean cut, sport jacket wearing black man that can improvise a funny song off of anything. 

Wayne Brady is cool as hell so why would someone not want to look like him?

This guy didn't nor did he think Wayne Brady was cool. 

I'm not clear on the details but based on the fact my next memory is laughing like an idiot on the floor of our hotel room I would say I was asked nicely to leave. 

The next day we saw the sights and there was one particular moment of the day that was very moving. It was on a bench on Haight St. My best friend and I sat on the bench quietly waiting for the others that came with us to come outside of the pub we were enjoying a couple good beers in. We look at each other and grinned, thinking the same thing. 

We both began to laugh histerically. We had gone on for hours about the very street we were sitting at back on Raymond St. in Wolcott Ind. Dreaming about another world, in another time, so out of reach of where we were. Here we found ourselves at that place and didn't have a thing to say.

When I was growing up California seemed more like a TV show that didn't come in well on our bunny ears set. Hollywood was more of an idea than an actual place. Then I discovered The Grateful Dead and the entire movement that centered around Haight Ashbury. 

Sitting at the cross streets that inspired the drive that led me to this very place was very anti-climatic. Maybe because I've already moved my sights on to something else. When you strive for a goal that seems completely impossible, many accomplishments happen along the way that almost go unnoticed in the race to reach that unreachable finish line. 

There was a time when I would not go in a gay bar. I felt it would be way too weird and awkward. It was a terrifying notion. It took me stumbling blindly and by mistake to see that it really wasn't that bad. As long as you don't consider big, hairy, gay men in leather that bad. 

I'm a Road Man for The Lords of Karma though and must deal with the wild, wicked and weird as an occupational hazard. I always come out all right and unharmed. Nothing can stand in my way, not even Bears. 

With Love & Respect, 

Your friend till the end, 

Mike James 

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Los Angeles is a hard city. It's hardens people and sharpens them to a razor edge. Sudden movements become more noticeable. Foreign smells become mysteries floating through the air. And a clear night of stars becomes a special occasion.


I love this city. I love the grit and the grime. I love the stories that are around every corner. I love the fact the everyone here is looking for something. Which isn't much different than anywhere else in the United States, or the world for that matter, but here the history and the hopes mix and clash into a collage that makes up the city.

My job requires me to be on the road a lot. The freeways of Los Angeles will humble a man. It is a greater analogy for life, no doubt about it. No matter how fast you are driven, you are constantly surrounded by others who determine your speed.

Being hopelessly late on the 405 can make you anxious and unnerved but in comparison to chasing a greater dream, a little traffic can seem like a welcomed break.

I hate getting coffee and I hate taking orders from people who I have a difficultly time respecting. But I do love to put things into perspective.

Traffic hits us all the time. Holds us up from the destination that we are trying to reach. It's annoying and it's unavoidable. It's a part of life.

I was on my way to see "The Watchmen" last night in Santa Clarita with a some people that I work with when I experienced some traffic. When you are left in a sea of blinking tail lights and honking horns, you are left to your own thoughts. You are left to find your own place in mix of unassociated humanity around you.

I just wanted to see the movie. A little too much to be honest because I didn't even bother to get gas after I got off work. It was shortly after I got past the Sunset Blvd. exit on the 405 when I heard the "ding-ding-ding" of my gas gauge going on empty.


It's hard times in America. I don't like to admit it but there have been times while being tied to a fixed budget and being and irresponsible young man, have made some mistakes. Like going out chasing girls, getting drunk and not worrying about who is picking up the tab. These days that kind of behavior can have you missing meals and running your gas tank empty.

Our culture is a forgiving one however. Nobody roots for the underdog, the come-back kid or the once disgraced public official now born again great person like America! The feeling that we can do pretty much whatever we want without having any repercussions has landed our country in the worst economic crisis since The Great Depression. Yet I feel hopeful. For various reasons but, the main once is drift, coast or just running on fumes. You can get a lot farther on fumes than you think.

I had just got on the 5 and was going to run out of gas at any minute. I was terrified at the thought of running my car dry in the middle of grid-locked traffic.

Cough. Cough. Cough.

That's the sound of my car ingesting the very last drops of gasoline before dying rolling without any life blood.

I coasted down the off ramp towards a Chevron. Touching the brakes was out of the question. If I was going to get my car gassed up and back on the road to catch "The Watchmen" I had to coast it right up to the pump.

The lane was open and hope was for sale at $2.09 a gallon just a head of me. As I pulled into the gas station a large truck was coming from the side trying to grab the spot I was rolling towards.

I didn't hesitate. Because if I would have the car would then only be capable of rolling not driving.

I cut the couple off to get to the gas pump. I got out of the car and slide my debit car into the pump quickly. A surprised look was pasted on my face as the Latino woman and her not-so-friendly-looking boyfriend complained about me cutting them off.

It's a tough city and where maybe I would of once walked over with a smile and casually explained my predicament, I turned my shoulder on them. I ignored how they felt to concentrate on what was important to me.

What have I become?

The film was fantastic. Much was cut out from the graphic novel but it's easy to see why once screening the much anticipated adaption of the original novel.

A major theme throughout the film is "Who Watches The Watchmen?" It's painted on the walls and kept in the back of your minds constantly asking the question if masked avengers of justice are needed. Even when the heroes themselves are very flawed and tragic figures.

There are constantly authoritative figures and the threat of authoritative figures shaping our decisions and behaviors. It's my belief, even though it may be contradicting to my mid-west values and upbringing, that in these difficult times it's best to turn your shoulder and concentrate on what you are doing.

As much hope as President Obama has given myself and our country as a whole, I'm not convinced they have my back yet. I've worked at a TV show for a year that you would think produce significant connections and opportunities. Not true at all.

I'm a road man looking for employment. The Lords of Karma filed chapter 3 bankruptcy when they were taken by Bernie Madoff for millions of dollars.

So tragic.

I'll land on my feet though, I'm not worried about that. I am worried that my new position with The Queens of Circumstance may not work out. I'll keep you posted friends.

With Love & Respect,


Mike James

The Holla Goes Online

The Holla started as a massive email home to friends and family. I would summarize the craziness and absurdity of what I had been doing since last word. I've decided to take it to the next level however and make the natural progression from personal newsletter back home to BLOG!

That's right I'm jumping on the band waggon. Way too late and completely unknown but that's how I arrive anywhere.

My goal for this blog isn't just to have friends and family keep up with how I am doing but hopefully add insight into breaking into this ridiculous world of entertainment.

I really don't read many blogs and haven't followed many writers that are blogging. But honestly how could the "blogosphere" be without me? Thus, why I am here. So first off, tell all your friends.

Now that is out of the way...I've got the ball rolling on some things.

I pitched my screenplay "Taste" to www.pitchq.com two weeks ago. I was invited to pitch through a specific script request I pulled off craigslist. You can check it out by typing in the address and then entering: tastepitch in the guest code.

Enough time has passed that it's now apparent the producer's that wanted to see my pitch have passed on it but the clip of me pitching it will remain online for another 6 months and over 75 producers and agents check it out every day.

I have wrapped up another script, a comedy pilot titled "Stealing Channel Seven" about a news broadcaster that comes up with a plot to rob a bank then return to the scene of the crime for the perfect alibi.

My productivity has been high despite the situation I like to refer to as "neighbor-gate". The Mexican lady that lives below is completely crazy. And I don't mean like wacky Crameresqe crazy, that would be cool. No this lady makes a tea party with Gary Busey and Michael Jackson seem normal.

Anyway to make a long story short because her craziness has gone on for a long time now, finally culminated last Wednesday when she called the cops on me during the season finale of Top Chef.

Hosea won, thank God, and cops were very confused as to why they were called to my apartment.

"Are you having a party?" asks the cop.

"No, I'm watching Top Chef." I said extremely irritated at the interruption.

"You have anyone else with you?"

"No. Just me and my friend. "

My buddy sitting on the couch eating a bag of hot & spicy pork rinds waves at the cops.

"Padma is about to announce the winner. You can come watch if you want but I gotta see this."

"What's your last name?" The bad cop asks.

My eyes veer off looking for an answer across the hall way. Only coming to the wrong one.

"James."

"Thanks."

So now I have to move out of my apartment.

Not just because of this, I have been planning on it but it's now the final hour of my stay here at De Mille Manor. Its time to venture on. In a hopefully a month I will be getting a house in Silverlake.

Employment is an issue as well. My tenure at America's Funniest Videos ends in May. I have said over and over that I won't take another PA gig but unfortunately more qualified to serve coffee at a TV show than a Starbucks.

I might begin selling para-legal advice...or be the live Abercrombie and Fitch model that stands all day looking handsome at The Grove...or maybe I'll get my pilot's license and get a job making smoke messages in the sky.

It's hard times for everyone. The valley can be a very scary place. Trust me I got lost somewhere between Tarzana and Sherman Oaks for three hours last August. Barely made it out alive.

In times like this the only choice is to just be optimistic. It's like we are all standing at the top of a giant Plinko board of fortune.

I believe I'll land all right. Wherever that is and whenever it happens. I think we all will.

But enough stary-eyed faith inspired speak I need to get on the job boards. Work is slim for road men these days. We aren't in high demand. I continue to work though. The work never stops for a Road Man for The Lords of Karma.

With Love & Respect,

Mike James