Later disgraced monkey olympian Charles "Buzz Saw" Kinsington returned his gold medal after allegations of steroid use.
I have always been what you could call a "big dude". I'm not entirely sure why I needed to put that in quotation marks but if I was talking to you I most likely would of put it in quotations marks, winked then chuckled to myself for a little while.
What I mean is I'm 6'5 and have always played sports my whole life. I even had a brief but dignified NCAA basketball career. Growing up where I did in Indiana and being as tall as I am, it was inevitable that I would play basketball. If I would of choose ballet or scuba diving then it would of caused a tear in the time-space continuem.
Through all these years of sports there is one thing I have dested, that's lifting weights. I have done it though for years until the end of my basketball career where it was abruptly stopped. I never looked back. I walked away from those rubber floors and snot stained mirrors.
I now live in Southern California though and they are all on this crazy health kick. Every things got to be organic. Animals have to be treated nice and shit. Don't look the Scientologists directly in their eyes and worst of all you have to work out on the regular!
I wouldn't say I'm scrawny but I'm definitely not the primest cut of man meat on the market. I'm pretty sure if I was on a plane that crashed in the Andes Mountains that I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten by the other survivors because I would make for better shelter than food.
In my desperate attempt to attract the ladies with something other than wittiness or ridiculous curly hair, I returned to the gym to hit the weights. Not my usual 70 year old lady in physical therapy work out involving 20 minutes on the elliptical, some crunches, a whole bunch of stretching and a smoothie.
My old lady work out was going just fine for me until I got it in my head that I needed to beef up my cake. From past experiences I knew that free weights were completely out of the question. I had enough trouble just getting on and off the elliptical sometimes. When your body reacts to physicality with the reaction you get when you buzz the side of an Operation game, you just try not to look awkward in public. So all my weights would be tied to something I couldn't drop.
I didn't really do any specific routine. I knew no matter what I was going to hurt the next day so I just tried to avoid anything overly strenuous. There was a guy who asked me if I was doing back or arms. I said neither and took it as a sign to go do some crunches and leave. It got me thinking though about how people love to throw it in your face that they work out.
These people are always just getting back from the gym or getting ready to go to the gym. I guess working out is such a pain in the ass people feel broadcasting it to everyone and their cousin justifies it because it sure as hell doesn't make their ass any smaller.
There are certain aspects of exercising at the gym that are negative and will always be negative. It will take great advances in technology to correct two problems that can be found in every men's locker room in gyms across the nation: nasty-ass/feet smell and old dudes walking around naked.
Every locker room everywhere (I am speaking of club gyms of course. I hope to God there aren't any old naked dudes walking around high school locker rooms. All though we all know there are....we know there are.) has that nasty ass/foot smell and naked old dudes just strolling about.
It sucks. This whole process sucks. I'm supposed to take an hour or more depending on traffic to get up when I could be sitting or laying down. Put work out clothes on when I could just be in my underwear. Walk to my car, drive to the gym, walk all the way up to the gym, swipe my card, go into a locker room that smells like nasty ass/feet, dodge naked old dude walking around, put my stuff in a locker, find a machine in between someone reading US Weekly while dictating notes to her assistant and some guy who has watched to many episodes of The Contender because he is wearing three sweat shirts and four towels wrapped around his head, listen to Pat Benatar's Greatest Hits, stretch, get a smoothie and go home.
That work out works for me. This lifting weights stuff is for dudes that don't have anything better to talk about that their workout schedule.
Editor's Note: The editors would like to remind our readers that The Holla is for entertainment purposes only. In no way shape or form does Mike intend to piss off any actual "big dudes".
So with summer right at my door step and a slight pudge above my waist band, I'll boldly peel off my shirt in the midst of stud muffins. I will not do any bench presses this summer but I will sit on a bench and think about pressing things. I'll start playing more basketball but you can bet your sweet ass if I'm running for any other purpose then something is chasing me.
I doubt the "I'm young and invincible, so screw you" diet plan will benefit me in the long run but the best part is that doesn't matter because I'm young and invincible, so screw you.
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