My Top Five Awkward Moments Caused by Bluetooth Headsets

I'm throwing that bluetooth off a cliff with it still in your ear. 

Today I had a really awkward moment with a guy outside of a Kinko's because he was on his bluetooth headset when I didn't realize it. Then I thought "holy shit, this is like the fifth most awkward moment I've experienced because of bluetooth head sets". Then I realized "holy shit, why haven't I shared any of my awkward bluetooth stories?" 

So here is my count down of top five most awkward experiences I have ever had because of bluetooth head sets. 

5.) "The very emotional man out side the door of the Kinko's on Vine."

So I went to the Kinko's on Vine today to make some moves aka print shit out. When I was done I was walking out the door and it was half cracked open. Me being lanky, skinny and lazy I just walked out through the cracked open door instead of exerting just a little bit more effort by opening it. As I was walking out a small, bald and middle aged man was walking in. 

Nobody will do anything for me now! 

He shouted in my face before abruptly turning around and walking a few feet back. 

Wow, dude chill out. 

I should have just walked away because my initial reaction was "dickhead" but his shoulders drooped and he paced like he was not getting a toy he wanted. It made me feel bad. 

This anxiety has built up to a breaking point and I just can't take it anymore. 

The guy gets in his car and slams the door shut. 

I thought to myself. 

What the fuck did I just do to this guy? Was I just the straw that broke the camel's back on this psycho killer who just needed to make a color copy? 

I ran up to the car hood and yelled at him. 

Yo, I'm sorry dude. I didn't see you walking in. Don't freak. Life is beautiful. 

He slowly sticks his head out his window with the most confused look on his face I have ever seen on a human being. 

Hold on one second....

He slowly stuck his head out the window revealing a bluetooth head set in his ear. 

What the hell are you talking about?

I quickly turned around and walked to my car astonished at the fact that this was now becoming a regular experience. 

4.) "Guy at the bar that just won't give me the sports page"

A few months ago I was eating lunch at The Shack in Santa Monica. I was enjoying some blue ribbon awarded PBR beers and a burger while reading the paper. I finished the front section and saw the guy sitting down from me at the bar had the rest of the paper. I leaned over and asked for the sports page. 

You've got to be shitting me?

No, I really would like the sports page if you are finished with it. I'll even trade you the front section.

 I said, quite taken back. 

This is unbelievable!

The guy slams his fist down on the bar. I quickly reach for my beer fearful of the tremors knocking it over. His head down staring at the paper the entire time. 

Well I have been sitting here reading this for like 15 minutes you had to have seen me asking for the sports page coming. 

Ha! I'm not giving you anything! Don't come calling to me!

I really don't think I'm asking for much man! It's not like I'm asking for a fucking kidney I just want the sports page!

I had been much louder than I had before and this time and I did not go unnoticed. The bartender started bursting into laughter as he had witnessed it all play out in front of him. The guy with the sports page turned and looked at me extremely pissed. 

Can you hold on a sec?

The dude hits a button on his phone sitting in front of him. 

My cousin just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and I would like to talk to him please. 

Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. Yeaaaaaaa sorry about that. Congratulations. 

I turn to bar keep with tears in his eyes. 

Check please. 

3.) "The Cutie at the Quick-Stop"

End of last summer I was at the Quick-Stop by my apartment purchasing some jalapeno pork rinds. There was a very cute blonde girl standing beside me in line at the check out counter. She might have been saying something before the first thing I heard but I was to transfixed on her figure. 

Oh I want to be bad but I shouldn't! I really want to. 

It was reflex that made me say what I said next before even allowing the full situation to process in my cerebral cortex. 

Baby you should there is nothing wrong with you being bad. 

She leans forward and picks up a Snickers and looks at me like she just had the contents of a port-a-pot sprayed in her face she was so revolted. I then noticed the bluetooth in her ear. 

I put the pork rinds down and walked out the door. 

2.) "The car accident"

Back in December I was driving home from work on Melrose. I had just been sent a bluetooth from my parents because it was one of the many retarded California state law and I refused to buy one. 

It had been a really long day and traffic was awful as usual. To distract me from the traffic I decided to call all my friends and talk to them on my new gadget like a complete douche bag does when he gets a new bluetooth headset I suppose. The law was passed to make driving safer but it didn't exactly work like that for me. I thought "cool now I can text message WHILE I'm talking to someone on the phone this thing is dope after all."

So while I was talking to one of my buddies back home I was also texting another buddy the exact thing I was telling the person in my ear when the ear piece fell out of my ear onto the floor. 

I got on my brakes and bent over to pick it up off the floor when I looked up I was headed right into the car in front of me. It was a crushing blow. It felt like a sledge hammer hit or maybe  because I was also at the time trying to find the song "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel on my iPod too. 

I screamed my favorite four letter word and got out to see that surprisingly there wasn't much damage to my car and very little to the other guys car. I asked if he was hurt and he said he was fine. We looked at each others cars and I was relieved that it wasn't that bad. 

Let's pull up over there and exchange info. 

I said holding in the embarrassment I felt inside. 

Yea of course. Oh and is that your bluetooth?

This eagle eye that I just nailed on spots my bluetooth on the street right next to the driver's side door. It was in my lap when I looked down and fell out after I hit the guy. 

Nope. Not mine. 

Really? You sure.

Yes I am sure!

I clear my throat. 

 

Can we do this info exchange thing? We are holding up traffic. 

I left it in the middle of the street and got back into my car. 

1.) "The Beginning"

The first week of my job last summer everyone was talking about the bluetooth law that had just been passed. I was just sitting there not really participating in the conversation that a couple girls were having when I suddenly turned around in my chair and said...

What does Gingivitis, the leading cause of tooth decay have to do with driving?

Silence. 

This was the first of what would become a series of extremely awkward moments I would create in the office. But I'll save those for a later date. 

With Love & Respect, 

Mike