There is no good way to intro this so I'm just going to tell you my next story from Amsterdam and I will assure you that absolutely every detail is completely true.
This one is about magical mushrooms.
The first part of this experience I'm going to copy word for word from my journal I had with me while I was tripping. There is four hours that I simply have no clue how to write about besides just copy down what I wrote in my journal. The second part is much different and was much more enjoyable for me. So I invite you to vicariously enjoy a mushroom trip in Amsterdam through me!
Sunday July 5th 2009: somewhere between 5:oo P.M. and 3 A.M.
I'm not sure you can call what I just experienced magical. Magic normally is just an illusion and it makes little kids laugh and clap. There was no trick about what just happened. I ate the most intense mushrooms they had and almost lost my mind. Where is the magic?
They were called Psilocybe Atlantis magic truffles. The box says "Numenorian XTC" that just sounds too intense. These are the most beastly, not neighborly mushrooms I've come across in my day. I am a very experienced eater of fungus so I was very confident I would have no problem handling these things. This was not the case.
After we purchased them I suggested we go check out a museum and wait for them to kick in. My buddy, let's call him Clarence had a better idea to chomp them at a coffee shop and walk back to the hotel afterwards. we ate them and smoked some hash then walked back to get a beer at the bar.
We all started to get really quiet sitting at the hotel bar. My stomach started to feel real funny and I began to pour sweat. All of a sudden the liquor bottles began to grow and shrink. The necks of the bottles were swaying back and like prairie grass in a light breeze.
The golden lighting that shined down from the top of the bar was illuminating my Heineken like it was God's own cold one. I turned to my left to look at my other buddy, let's call him Billy D. His face was frozen in utter bewilderment and terror. The glaze of confusion and fear in his eyes didn't settle with me in any way.
I stood up fast and almost feel over. I exclaimed that I needed a cigarette and walked outside. The air hit me like jumping into a pool of cool water but when I lit my cigarette it felt like molten lava being poured down my throat. I continued smoking it nonetheless because I had to get myself together by the end of it.
Billy D came out and let off what had to of been a 10 minute long rolling fart that smelled like rancid Indian food. I was too concerned about the concrete steps that were forming into waves and seemed impossible to navigate but I'm pretty sure everyone in front of the hotel immediately distanced themselves from us.
I threw my cigarette down after only a couple puffs and said "I think I'm going puke."
I turned around to walk inside but knew I didn't have a shot in hell of making it to the room or even through the lobby for that matter. I hustled back down the wavy hotel steps, stumbled around the corner, for some reason I was able to hold off and let a chick on a bike pass by me then I just unleashed the beast.
I yaked several times right there on the sidewalk in Amsterdam before collapsing backwards on the front steps of our hotel. (NH Hotels Amsterdam) Billy D comes to save me as Clarence just stared blankly. He asked me if I needed some water. I mumbled some gibberish and handed 20 euro for the beers.
"Take care of it!" Is all I could muster out.
I wanted no part of that beer. I gathered myself for a moment. I was able to mainly because I was so shocked that no one even noticed what I had just done. I got up and we finally made it up to the room. I had been hit with a 10 ten ton Day-Glo painted truck. Completely leveled.
Once I made it to the room I laid on the bed unable to move anything but my eye balls, which were doing a lot of moving. The ceiling was much more active than I was.
That's when Billy D started shitting. It was nonchalant at first but as soon as he walked out of the bathroom the first time he turned right back around.
I tried to get up and stand but only made it to the trash can where I began to puke again. I'm very glad I didn't run into the bathroom because I would of puked on Billy D while he was having explosive diarrhea.
Clarence was laughing so hard tears were pouring down his face. I held the trash can and got up feeling much better. Billy D walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel.
"I'm tripping so hard I shit myself." he says with gigantic pupils but completely serious face.
"What?!" Another roar of laughter and I begin puking again.
"I can't stop shitting. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wasn't expecting this. This isn't that much fun."
"Maybe it's the fact you've been eating nothing but huge bowls of fries and mayonaisse since we got here" Clarence manages to add.
"It may be but I don't think I can go far from a toilet."
"Come on man your fine. Look at me I've puke like three times now."I said trying to convince him to come.
"You at least have control over your bowels!"
"That's true I do."
I had to get out of the room. There was waaaaay too much shitting and puking going on in such a small area. I wanted nothing more than to make it across the street to lay in the grass beside the beautiful canal. There was a shady patch that I thought could be considered a "safe-zone" for tripping. I didn't want to be in the room with Billy D shitting everywhere.
If I completely lost my mind in the process of trying to get to the grass by God I was going to. I had never wanted something so bad than to make it out of that hotel room and get down to the grass.
Clarence and I decided that it was time to venture out and try this. It was difficult to part ways with Billy D. I didn't know what was happening to him but I honestly was not that interested in finding out at that moment.
We made it to the elevators. The Nederlands is supposedly the tallest nation in the world and I have seen many tall people here but what were they thinking when they designed our hotel's elevators? They had to of outsourced to a contractor from Smurf Village because this thing felt like a sardine can.
This guy was standing literally 3 inches from Clarence's tomato red face. This guy was breathing so hard it was creating a gulf stream effect in that stupid little elevator. If Billy D had come with us everyone in the elevator would of been put out by his ass stench and nobody would figure it out until the toxicology reports came back weeks later.
It seemed to take lifetimes for the door to finally open and I made a direct move for outside.
I saw the cars, the people on bikes, an extremely gorgeous skyline and almost completely forgot what I came outside to do. Then I saw the canal and a very welcoming patch of shade.
Must get to "safe-trip zone". The brick streets of Amsterdam and very confusing. If I had to drive I would being doing head-ons into trams, falling into the canal while trying to parallel park and being completely lost all the time. It is hard enough to just walk across the street here.
I made it past 3 lanes of traffic and had only one more to go. I didn't make the light in time and a mob of traffic is sailing past me on both sides. I look at Clarence and he is just giggling. He has no idea. I'm fully aware of the danger. I was the victim of a hit and run in Vegas one time but that's a different story.
I wonder why the "safe-trip zone" is so dangerous to get to. When you are tripping your balls off there is no time for irony.
I finally made it to the grass, proceeded to roll around on the ground and reflected on my long tumultulous journey that has brought me here.
What a long strange trip it has been.
That was the last sentence I had written. It's difficult to calculate but I imagine approximately 15-20 minutes passed that entire time.
For the next four hours I did some frolicking, staring, pondering, chasing ducks, puking then I would repeat starting from the beginning.
After probably 4 hours of this it was I all of a sudden woke up from this Alice in Wonderland like dream. I realized I had completely forgot about Billy D and figured he had gone insane and crapped all over our walls. This was a concern because the hotel had my credit card.
We got upstairs and Billy D was sitting with his feet propped up watching an IRL race. It was the Texas 550 which is my second favorite race on the schedule but that's completely besides the point because I could not believe an Indy car race was on in Dutch at that time. I was expecting to open the door and the room would be trashed with shit literally everywhere.
Billy D, happy as could be said "Briscoe is making a run for it man I can't believe it! Oh and I stopped shitting."
I burst into laughter and was unable to muster any kind of a response. There was no response really needed. Then I watched the final 15 laps. It was impossible to understand anything. I don't think the Dutch announcers really even knew what was happening.
Billy D said soon after we left he found the race on TV and it pretty much saved himself from setting his mind adrift. The best part was he said every twenty minutes he would have to shit but didn't want to miss the laps it took for him to finish. So he turns the volume up on the TV to go take a shit but doesn't figure it out until he is on his throne that it isn't going to work.
I won't drone on about the rest of the night because it was a long one and this has been long enough. We caught up and laughed a lot. I hadn't seen my friends for more than a year and a half so it was pretty great to just bull shit with them like the good old days. It felt good to see them and to be able to share another wild experience together in such a beautiful place.
That's why I went to Amsterdam. The most incredible moments of your life are shared. So many times I will enjoy retelling a story to a bunch of people than actually living through it. That's what makes it worth it and fun. It's all about the clown and it always has been.
With Love & Respect,
Mike
