Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Headed Up North: Part 3

"You will experience great success in your life but you will be at the center of many controversies. You're an instigator of many things and will always threaten stability of any kind."

-A psychic I met on the dance floor at the DJ Tiesto show in Chicago 10/31/09

I was just getting into Washington when it began to rain. There were still so many miles between me and Vancouver. There were even more miles between me and Los Angeles. The endless hours on the road and the solitude were starting to wear my nerves down to a thread.

I growled at the rain and turned my windshield wipers on. They began to clear my windshield of the rain like windshield wipers are made to do when the passenger side wiper began to lose it's windshield wiping tenacity. This alarmed me at first but then I realized there was no point in a fully functional passenger side wiper because I had no passenger.

I shrugged and carried on. Then the driver side wiper began to lose it's guster. I didn't panic. I did the most reliable trouble shooting technique that has aided users of all forms of technology as far back as the early eighties.

I turned the wipers off. Paused. Then turned them back on. It didn't work. I was hauling balls down the 5 interstate a few hundred miles from the border, it's pouring down rain and it just now dawned on me that I was too fucking stupid to check if my wind shield wipers would work back in LA.

It never rains in LA! How is this my fault?!

I tried putting my hazard lights on and just going slowly but that was pointless so I pulled off at the next exit into some small town that started with a L.

I pull into this gas station and fiddle with my wipers for awhile. Meaning I turned them on and off a few times then completely gave up. I go into this gas station and see three teenage girls talking a mile a minute with some teenage boy staring at them just waiting to pounce on the opportunity to say something as soon as they gave him one.

I walked up to the counter without them even noticing me, they are still talking incessantly.

Me: Excuse me, I know that you probably can't help me but my windshield wipers quit working and do you know anywhere I could go to get them fixed?

Teenie Bopper 1: Why couldn't we help you?

Me: I didn't mean it like that. I just need to find somebody that knows something about windshield wipers.

Teenie Bopper 2: You saying we don't know anything about windshield wipers?

Me: I'm not saying that...I just need to get...

Teenie Bopper 3: Maybe we can help you. (gives disturbing look)

Out of nowhere the scrawny fourteen year old kid who was trying to get in on their conversation when I walked up and who was probably the high school basketball team's towel boy finally has his chance to save the day.

Scrawny: There's a auto body shop just three doors down. They are open until 4.

The scrawny kid beams with pride as I thank him and pay for a watermelon Airhead.

As I turned around to walk out I could hear the three teenage girls ganging up on the boy and giving him shit for ruining their fun. I gave him a thumbs up before I walked out the door. He a learned lesson that will stay with him the rest of his life.

If you want to get something done just shut those bitches up. Good job Scrawny.

Scrawny's directions were spot on and I was able to find the auto body shop. It took a little sweet talking and forty bucks but I got the mechanic to fix my wipers and get me back on the road.

As they were being fixed the owner of the shop told me not to worry if the mechanic could not get them going again. He said there was a hotel right down the street were Elvis Presley had stayed once. He was serious and I just stared back at him without a response. If this mechanic through the graces of God was able to get my wind shield wipers going again, I was going to go back grab Scrawny and take him to Vancouver with me saving him from this rainy hell-hole.

The mechanic got my wipers wiping again and I stepped on it headed for Seattle. There was an Australian girl I had met in San Francisco I was supposed to meet up with in Seattle. She messaged me that morning and said she would call when she got into the town.

In standard fashion I was in to big a hurry and she was to slow. I went right on through Seattle and was an hour north before she called.

"Sorry baby, I got a date with Canada."

Rain, rain and more rain then I finally made it to the border.

Border Guard: Are you coming for business or pleasure?

Me: Definitely pleasure.

BG: Are you employed?

Me: Yes! Of course I'm employed I work in television.

BG: Oh yea, what show?

Me: The Bonnie Hunt Show.

BG: Really? That's still on?

Me: It's funny you should ask that but last I heard it was.

BG: What are you doing up here?

Me: I'm on temporary hiatus. An opportunity presented itself to me so I jumped at it.

BG: That show doesn't film in LA. I thought it filmed in Chicago.

Me: No it films in LA, Culver City to be exact and that's a common mistake. Bonnie is from Chicago. Oprah films in Chicago.

BG: You carrying over $10,000 in cash?

Me: Like I said I work for The Bonnie Hunt Show.

BG: (Laughs for a bit with a laugh that is less annoying but the same pitch as Fran Drescher) That's funny, go on through sweetheart.

I was amazed at the ease I had crossing over. Thank you Bonnie Hunt.

The sun was setting and I was exhausted. It began to rain again and as I drove into Vancouver my eyelids got heavy but my heart was beating rapidly.

I had made it all the way to Vancouver. It was amazing I had accomplished such a feat on a complete whim. I drove and drove looking for my hostel I had reserved at $10 a night. I didn't think I could get much for ten bucks a night but at this point all I wanted was a beer and bed.

I could not locate the hostel so I just drove down Main St. looking for something that would suffice. Out of nowhere painted on the side of a tall brick building. I see "Backpacker's Hostel and Pub".

Boom! Two birds with one stone! I was overjoyed so I immediately pulled onto a side street, parked and ran through the torrential down pour to get inside and get a room. There were quite a few vagrants meandering around the entrance but that was nothing new to me, no alarms were going off yet. The guy at the counter was chewing on his gums like he had Winterfresh flavored gingervitis. Now alarms were starting to go off.

The room as only ten bucks more but since there was a pub directly underneath I felt it leveled out. The room was decent. The mattress wasn't made of straw or anything but I'm fairly certain there was plenty of wildlife in it. The elevator smelled of urine but there was a TV with cable in the room.

I put my stuff in a locker and went down to the pub for a pint. I had to wait for what I thought was a 300 pound biker dude with leather chaps to finish his pool shot so I could walk around him to the bar. After he finished I realized it was a she when she said in a very raspy voice "scuse me baby." The only thing I had to eat that day was a watermelon Airhead and I about posted it right on the he/she's forehead.

I finally got my cold pint of Molson and sat in a far back corner.

"Vancouver isn't quite how I pictured it." I thought. I pounded a few more Molsons, just enough to get me to sleep in the rat trap. I feel asleep to the sound of little feet scurrying around beneath me.

The next morning I woke up with my jacket on, shoes on, on top the sheets with my hands in my pocket. I grabbed my laptop, rushed out the door and down to my car to see that I had gotten a ticket the previous night. I took the ticket off of my car, put it on the car right in front of me and took off.

It was sunday so I needed beer and something fried. The Colts were on bye week so I watched Brees dominate and when that game went to commercial I threw insults and curses at Brett Favre.

A few beers and a little research solved the problem at hand. I located a new hostel in a new part of town. I told the bar tender where I had spent the previous night. He laughed and gave me a round on the house. Apparently I posted up at a halfway house for vagrants, drunks, miscreants and most likely terrorists.

I got the hell out of skid row and headed for Granville St. The entertainment district and center of night life in Vancouver. I got a legitimate parking space right in front of the Same Sun Hostel. There to was a bar in the hostel but it occupants were much younger and skinnier than the burned out Whitesnake groupies at the last joint.

My room was nice and the kids staying there were really cool too. It was almost all inhabited by Australians. Apparently there is some kind of work exchange program between Canada and Australia. After college Australians are sent to Canada to find work.

The funny part of this is that none of them were trying to find work in anyway. They got hammered every night and smoked copious amounts of BC bud until the money ran out and went back. I thought it was genius seeing as Americans do the same but we don't even leave our country and we do it for four years instead of four months.

I know I should give some fantastic tale of debauchery in Vancouver but I really don't have one to give.

That's kind of the cool part of this entire saga.

I met good people. I drank good beer and ate good food. I walked around and took lots of pictures. I smoked some fine BC bud and meditated in Stanley Park. I went to an aquarium. I played a lot of poker.

I just chilled.

Just by arriving in Vancouver I had already accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish. My job was done. Like I said, I didn't even want to leave LA in the first place but I had to.

I needed to gain a new perspective and the only way one can achieve that is by leaving one's comfort zone. The pursuit of truth and beauty requires you to go to places you have never been before. Discovering new ideas, philosophies, people and places can be overwhelming, sometimes even scary.

There were many points during my journey that I wanted to turn around. Many times I thought to myself that I had to be crazy. I couldn't logically explain why I was doing what I was doing but once I got there it all made sense.

The open road is a perfect allegory for life. You may not know where you are going but you do have a destination whether you choose one or not. There may be break downs and speed bumps. There will definitely be lots of construction. None of this can stop the journey though. You have to keep moving because if you stop in the first decent place you see to get out of the rain you will never know what lies ahead of the storm. You just have to keep moving so you give yourself a chance to see it all.

Love and Respect,

Mike James

No comments:

Post a Comment