
Probably the coolest dude you will ever meet.
In light of all the recent tragedies and loss that we have experienced in the past few days (meaning the loss of Ed Mcmahon, Farra Fawcett and that peder-ass, oh yea and I almost forgot the hundreds of innocent lives lost fighting for freedom in Iran) I thought I would give a light hearted look on some of my conquests on foreign soil.
I am going to Amsterdam in one week and will return with some stupendous stories of ridiculousness. So you could consider this a hype post for what is to come. I plan on trying to "live-blog" or whatever from Amsterdam as I clown at an extreme level.
Let's begin with a few lessons that I have learnt from my foreign travels. Some the hard way, some I was already completely aware of but did it anyway because I don't give a fuck.
1.) "You are American. You do not have to do anything at all to make it blatantly clear that you are American. So don't."
There has to be cultural evidence somewhere that would lead to a reason that all Americans talk really loud. Maybe not all Americans but I do. It must be because we think what we have to say is so much more important that what anyone else has to say or at least I think that.
Point being, I was at Trinity College in Rome, Italy. It is a popular bar among the University of Rome students. I went with a group there one night when I was studying in Italy and drank like the last batch of alcohol on the entire planet was in this bar alone. I was enjoying myself making my group crack up and giggle at my humorous observations of Rome and it's people before I got bored.
In the corner across from us were two eastern European women, one red head one blond, one very attractive, the other not so much and they were both staring me down. I pointed it out to a couple of my buddies they concurred that I was in fact being stared down by two very prostitute-ish looking women.
I could of evaluated the situation rationally. I am 6'5. At the time I had a curly haired mess of a fro that added at least 4 inches. I was also trying to see how many WWF entrance theme songs I could sing barbershop quartet acapella style. Looking back I can see how that would attract attention.
Nonetheless I made an approach.
Hey my name is Mike. I'm from the states.
I'm Helda.
I'm Ezmerelda.
I love girls that have names that end in vowels.
(the blonde with a thick Russian accent) You from the states? You're so tall.
(the red head licks her lips and I realize what I'm doing. I get a sick feeling, then panic.) You're cute.
(the blonde) You like to party?
(the red head) Yea you should come party with us?
I turn around and look at my friends behind me. A couple of my buddies are laughing hysterically and the one girl in our group is shaking her head motioning for me to come back over.
Fuck yea I like to party!
Just then a dude with a leather trench coat, sunglasses (it was 2 in the morning) and a five a clock shadow that was closer to midnight came up behind me and got in between the two girls.
Who the fuck is this?
My heart stops. Instantly sober.
This is Mike he likes to party.
The two girls bounce and giggle in a way that still haunts me.
I'm kind of tired actually.
No expression from the big, angry and very scary Russian dude.
So nice meeting you but look there's my cab!
I run out of the bar, get in a cab, go back to the hotel and go to sleep leaving my group behind.
2.) "Don't assume the locals don't understand English."
A few weeks after the Trinity College incident I was in a different city studying different paintings and the place in Italy to get your art on is Florence. Florence, Italy has been the hub and epicenter for the enlightened academic for centuries. I love art, especially the incredible mosaics but more than that the amount of college students studying art in Florence. It's the Panama City of Italy as much I hate to say that it's a reasonable assessment if you have ever partied in both locations with people of the same age.
So we are at this club called Armageddon or something like that. It was a trance/dark techno type club that I was not digging at all and was getting very bored. I began looking for girls that were looking equally bored. I found two in a booth across the way. I went over to start talking to them. They smiled and didn't speak English really well. A side tip in talking to girls overseas is to talk fast and smile a lot. Let your face express all that is needed to be said. I didn't think they understood a word I said but apparently they were cool with me and I invited my two buddies over to their table.
We got another couple of rounds and clowned with two cute Italian girls. They spoke broken English but we basically just acted like idiots and made them laugh. We then of course when the time came invited them back to our hotel room. The numbers were against us but it didn't deter me one bit. One of the girls kissed me on the way out and we held hands the whole way back.
Signed, sealed and delivered.
We got back and I popped open a round of Peroni beers from our mini fridge. One of my friend's, we will call him Ghetto because that is actually what we call him. He looks like the dude who banged the apple pie on American Pie. He puts that cliched stereotype to shame. He takes the loser that has a great heart but no idea what is going on to a new level.
Ghetto was hammered. Just plain destroyed and began saying whatever came to his mind to these girls thinking they couldn't understand any of it. Meanwhile I'm working my ass off trying to spit game at this girl's friend in a language I'm not even close to speaking correctly.
Why don't you get naked?! What's taking so long? Ha ha ha! They have no idea. I could say anything! You have great tits! I have an incredibly small penis!
The girls begin to giggle a different giggle. Then one leans to the other and covers her mouth as she whispers in her ear. The girl I was talking to begins to giggle the same way.
Dude, I'm pretty sure they understood every word you just said.
Undeterred Ghetto continues.
Please just have sex with me. I promise it will be over before you even know it. Ha ha ha!
The girls laugh again and the girl who I have now realized understands English perfectly is laughing so hard she is crying and holding her hand up demonstrating about 3 inches between her index finger and thumb. The other girl bursts into laughter as well. This is not going well for me.
Dude, you are blowing this for me. Shut the fuck up.
In a fit of laughter the two girls stand up grab a bottle of wine that is not theirs, take their beers with them and head out the door. They didn't even say "chao".
3.) "Buy a round!"
Probably the most important tip I could possibly pass on. The number one key when drinking and being merry is making sure those around you are drinking and being merry as well. It's important to include others in your good time. It's selfish to be having more fun than anyone else and not allow anyone who wants to participate in the good time with you. That's why you buy rounds because it will pay off in many different ways.
The picture above is me on a cruise this past Christmas. We went to Belize, Isla Rotan, Cozumel some other places it was amazing. The most impressive part of the trip was this small club called "Medusa" on the Carnival Cruise ship Legend. The first night on the cruise I went in and there wasn't a soul in there. I sat at the bar, drank Beam and cokes talking to the bar tender, Jacques. I told him I would turn this place into the hottest spot on the sea by the end of the week.
The last night Medusa was max capacity to the point of a huge line of people young and old. I bought 40 red headed sluts and handed them out to the entire dance floor. Jacques told me before I left that it was a record sales week for liquor on the boat. Completely sold out of Jagermiester and Jim Beam. I was the only one drinking Beam though.
I'll do more hyping of Amsterdam before I go. This is just a little taste of what is to come. The Kogi truck (http://kogibbq.com/) is coming to Silverlake tonight and I've been going on nothing but a Big Mac all day so I've got important business to take care of for now. Be good and stayed tuned for more ridiculousness.
Love & Respect,
Mike James
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